Helped, Heard, or Hugged?

The Three H's: Navigating Employee Discussions as a Project Manager

I recently read the book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. It’s a thought-provoking tome that breaks down interpersonal conversations, laying out the science behind, and tools you can use, to improve your communication skills. In one part of the book, he mentions that when someone approaches you to talk, that you need to recognize what that person fundamentally wants out of the discussion. Duhigg argues that there are three primary goals of most people: they want to be “helped,” “heard,” or just “hugged.”

As a project manager, people come to you all the time to discuss various things. To improve the usefulness and effectiveness of these conversations, identify the kind of conversation the employee wants, and then apply this 3-H approach.

1. Helping: Providing Guidance and Support

The first type of discussion falls under the "helping" category. In these conversations, employees are seeking your advice, guidance, direction, assistance, or input on a specific task, problem, or project. They may be stuck on a technical issue, unsure of the best approach to a problem, or simply need an experienced perspective to help them move forward.

As a project manager, it's crucial to approach these "helping" discussions with patience and a genuine desire to support your team. Your role is to listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and then provide thoughtful, actionable recommendations that empower the employee to find a solution.

Here are some key strategies for effectively handling "helping" discussions:

• Actively Listen. Resist the urge to jump in with a solution immediately. Take the time to fully understand the employee's challenge, their thought process, and the context surrounding the issue.

• Ask Insightful Questions. Probe deeper to uncover the root cause of the problem, the employee's current understanding, and any constraints or limitations they're facing. Often, applying the “5-Why’s” approach can help zero in on the root problem.

• Offer Guidance, Not Just Answers. Rather than simply providing the solution, guide the employee through the problem-solving process, encouraging them to think critically and explore different approaches.

• Provide Resources and Support. Suggest relevant tools, templates, or additional resources that can help the employee tackle the challenge more effectively.

• Follow-up and Check Progress. Don't just leave the employee to their own devices. Follow up regularly to ensure they're making progress and provide further help if needed.

By approaching "helping" discussions with this mindset, you can foster a collaborative, supportive environment where employees feel empowered to tackle challenges and grow in their roles.

2. Hearing: Listening and Learning

The second type of discussion is what Duhigg calls "hearing." In these conversations, employees are looking to share information, teach you something, or simply express their thoughts and ideas. They may have insights to offer, feedback to provide, or a desire to contribute to the decision-making process.

As a project manager, it's essential to create a safe and welcoming space for these "hearing" discussions. Your role is to actively listen, ask thoughtful questions, and demonstrate a genuine interest in the employee's perspective.

Here are some strategies for effectively handling "hearing" discussions:

• Actively Listen and Engage. Make eye contact, nod, and use verbal cues to show that you're fully present and engaged in the conversation.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions. Encourage the employee to expand on their thoughts and ideas by asking open-ended questions that start with "what," "how," or "why."

• Avoid Interrupting. Resist the urge to interject or share your own thoughts until the employee has had a chance to fully express themselves.

• Validate and Acknowledge. Demonstrate that you've heard and understood the employee's perspective by summarizing key points or acknowledging their insights.

• Provide Constructive Feedback. If appropriate, offer thoughtful feedback or alternative viewpoints, but do so in a way that encourages further discussion and collaboration.

By creating an environment for "hearing" discussions, you can foster a culture of open communication, collaboration, and mutual respect within your team.

3. Hugging: Providing Emotional Support

The third type of discussion is called "hugging." In these conversations, employees are seeking some form of emotional feedback, support, or affirmation. They may be feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply in need of encouragement and validation.

As a project manager, it's important to recognize the value of these "hugging" discussions and to approach them with empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence. Your role is to provide a listening ear, offer emotional support, and help the employee navigate their feelings constructively.

Here are some strategies for effectively handling "hugging" discussions:

• Demonstrate Empathy. Acknowledge the employee's emotions and let them know you understand and validate their feelings.

• Offer Emotional Support. Provide a safe, non-judgmental space for the employee to express themselves, and reassure them you're there to support them.

• Avoid Minimizing or Dismissing. Resist the urge to offer quick solutions or to downplay the employee's concerns. Instead, focus on active listening and providing emotional validation.

• Suggest Coping Strategies. If appropriate, offer suggestions for healthy coping mechanisms, such as taking a break, practicing self-care, or seeking additional support.

• Follow-up and Check-In. Don't just leave the employee to deal with their emotions alone. Follow up regularly to ensure they're doing well and to provide ongoing support.

By approaching "hugging" discussions with empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence, you can help your team members navigate challenging situations, build resilience, and maintain a productive work environment.

The Bottom Line:

As an engineering project manager, navigating the "three H's" of employee discussions—Helping, Hearing, and Hugging—is a critical part of your leadership role. By understanding the unique needs and motivations behind each type of conversation, you can tailor your approach to provide the most effective support, guidance, and emotional validation to your team.

Remember, the key to success in these discussions is to listen actively, ask insightful questions, and respond with empathy, patience, and a genuine desire to help your employees succeed. By fostering a culture of open communication, collaboration, and emotional support, you can empower your team to tackle challenges, share their insights, and thrive in their roles.